Self Analyzation

1.) The weight of the world does not have to be on my shoulders alone. I have a partner. I do not have the right to take control of all the obligations of the household and dictate orders.

2.) I am not entitled to make all of the decisions. Though there are some I may not like, it is my duty and responsibility to support the man that I love.

3.) Realizing that attempting to achieve perfection through material ideations is impossible. There is more to life than a clean bathroom. The end of the world will not come if there are undone dishes in the sink from last night's dinner. A chaotic laundry basket or an unmade bed is not a metaphor to my life or things to come.

4.) Love is not required. No one has to love me; they choose to love me. And if you are so lucky to find love, you should cherish every breath, every moment, every laugh, every hug, every tear.

5.) Punishment is unnecessary. Vindication did come when I was number one. What more did I need?

6.) Faith is important. Honesty is important. But how can one be expected to be honest when there is a constant fear of reaction and judgment?

7.) Arguing solves nothing. Being right isn't that important. In retrospect, where has being 'right' got me? Being right does not solve the issues or un-do what has been wronged. Being right only serves to feed my unncessary ego. I don't have to be right all the time. Looking back, it should have been more important to solve the problem than spend countless hours having a pissing contest and attempting to prove my case. A relationship is not a court of law. I am no judge, no jury and I am not God. Just because I think I am right does not mean that I am. Letting go is better than pushing away.

8.) What is my goal? The ultimate goal? Family. Love. Completeness. Happiness. Before acting on impluse, think. Is this action, or reaction, or these words going to contribute or hinder to my ultimate goal? More than likely, no.

9.) Giving credit. I am not the only one who can learn from my own mistakes. Infact, rarely do I. This is evident in my current life state. I have the ability to analyze everyone else and am so quick to point out their flaws. I should have worried more about fixing myself. I have to trust that he has learned from his mistakes and trust that he will not make them again. I know that he is intelligent. I should treat him as such. I do not have to punish him for something that has not happened to ensure that it won't.

10.) Being vulnerable does not mean I are going to be hurt. Enhancing his self-esteem does not mean I am feeding his ego. I don't think I ever compliment him. He's adorable. I should tell him that. I am not the only one who needs or likes to feel secure and loved. Just because he likes to touch me does not mean he is using me. Just because I don't like myself, does not mean he doesn't. I don't have to understand it. I do, however, have to appreciate it and accept it.

11.) Free-will. He is here because he wants to be. He will leave if he wants to leave. Smothering someone is not a guarantee they will stay. Holding him hostage does not mean he wants to be here. Everyone needs space. When he walks out the front door, he is not abandoning me. It is important to have time for yourself so you don't lose sight of who you are. I need to make time for myself and realize that he, as a human being, is entitled to do the same. I cannot continue to persecute him for my lack of social interaction. Just because I choose to stay home does not mean he has to. Love, family and relationships do not require you to be attached at the hip at all times.

12.) I do not know everything. I am far from parental perfection. He is a parent too. When I brought my children into his life I gave and shared the responsibility of parenting. He is entitled to make decisions. There does not always have to be a compromise. If a decision is made, I do not have the authority to override it because I am the 'mother'. If I was perfect and knew everything that would reflect in my children and my life. Obviously, it is quite the opposite.

13.) Emotional extortion and emotional blackmail is wrong. Everyone is entitled to make decisions based upon what is best for themselves. It is unfair and only makes for broken promises when you blackmail someone. You are asking to be lied to. I am a contradiction. Give respect, show respect by allowing decisions to be made based on their wants and needs and not your own. I despise people who use leverage. I am a hypocrite, and did not realize it until just now.

14.) I fell in love with him because of his differences, his mind. I love all of him; his goofy hats; his sense of style; his touch; his humor; the fact that he sings to me; his past. I need to allow him to teach me things. I need to embrace our differences. In this process, he has lost his sense of self because I have smothered him. I am not allowed to dictate the rhythm of his life.

15.) Appreciation. Along the same lines of respect, you have to give to get. It does not make me weak to admit that he is doing a great job and thank him for that. He works hard. He too has sacrificed for me. There is no pissing contest. One sacrifice is not bigger or smaller, more relevant or significant. He took risks too. Risking the relationship with his children to maintain relationship with me. Yes, he chose that. But he chose that, for me. He too has given up things he has loved to feed my own insecurities. Things that may seem trivial in nature to me, does not mean that they are viewed the same way to him. There is nothing wrong with thanking him for taking care of me, helping with the laundry, taking my son to and from school, sacrificing hours of sleep, time with family, friends and his children.

16.) My children feeling important is just as important as his children feeling important. They are just as precious as my own children and should be treated as such. It is not their fault that their mother will not allow a relationship between them and I beyond my front door. It is not their fault that Aiden is no longer here. While on the outside they are treated fairly when they are here, on the inside they are not. They deserve the same love I show to my own children. I do not have the right to stay guarded and allow them not to feel that connection. It is unfair for them to hurt so that I don't have to. I am the adult and I have to get over it. If I want him to be apart of me always, than I have chosen for his children to be a part of me as well. Just like I am a package deal, so is he. Just because his children are his heart does not mean I am not. He sacrifices so much for my own children, I should do the same for his. Just because I am forced to help out his children at the drop of a dime because of their mother's irresponsibility, does not mean it is their fault. Bitching, complaining and nagging the whole time does not show any support, is unneccesary and would feel the same to him as if I hadn't done anything at all. They are equally important no matter where they live. It is my responsibility to make them feel unconditional love and important. It is just as important for him to feel secure in my relationship with his children. I would die for my children and looking back, there should be no reason why I cannot sacrifice 4 hours and a weekend every other week. So what if its hard. They deserve to know their father and he deserves to know them. If I have the ability to make that happen, it is my responsibility to do so. This does not mean I love my own children any less. I do not have to be selfish for my children. Love is an endless cup, not one that has to to be divided. It is my responsibility to have a relationship with his children, and not minimize it just to babysitting.

17.) If I expect someone to keep a promise, I have to do the same. If I expect someone not to justify or excuse themselves, I should not think it is okay for me to do the same.

My marriage to my ex husband, failed miserably. He was older than me, alot older than me. I felt as though I had to be the 40 year old wife and submit myself to the household, cleaning, cooking and working. His opinion ruled. He knew everything. My voice was silenced and what I felt and thought meant nothing. I was miserable. I hated him for that. So I rebelled, drank and ultimately left.

Through this self analyzation I realized I had turned into him and now I was doing the very same thing to the man I call my soul mate. Making his life miserable and making him feel insignificant. Oh how I was so, entirely wrong.

This is me, giving up the control. The control was supposed to protect me. If I could keep everything in check, I could predict the next move and know when I was going to be subject to getting hurt. This has failed me and has completely turned my life upside down.

I analyzed myself and found the things I desperately need to change without passing judgment on what he should or needs to change within himself. That is his journey, his path to follow and find.

Now that I can see things more clearly, and put things into perspective, I can understand fully and ultimately change and become the happy fun-loving person he fell inlove with.

This is my goal. My quest.