A Brief Synopsis

The beginning:

My father never wanted to be a part of my life. My mother resented me, because I was a product of my father. My father was a raging alcoholic, still is, and was my emotional tormentor.

The middle:

My ex, first true love, beat me unmercifully. He was a drug addict. He tried to sell me once for thirty dollars worth of crack cocaine. My family disowned me. At 17 I was pregnant. His family forced me to abort. I regret that. I always wonder what she/he would have looked like. I refer to her as Iris. My self-hatred did not begin here, but gained more strength than any other experience in my life.

I left him. I probably never really had him though.

I lived in Florida for a while. That wasn't very fun. Rape is never fun, especially when it happens more than once. He spit beer in my face and did what he wanted because he knew I had no where to go. I'm still not sure where his hatred for me came from. I'm sure it was some deep-seeded emotion that he hadn't dealt with and chose me, at the time, to be his outlet.

I escaped though. Moved to Missouri. Misery, more like it. Be wary of internet friends. Most are fucking nuts. This is what I learned in Missouri. My stay there was short-lived. Back to Baltimore I came.

My friend, who happened to be an ex, well he died. I loved him. He loved me unconditionally and never did anything to hurt me, other than destroy himself. I tried to save him. I lost the war. Heroin won.

I got pregnant. I was so excited. I got to do something good. I was given a chance to help create a perfect life. I didn't think I deserved it. I promised him that I would be good to him and love him always. I promised that no one would ever hurt him.

Shortly thereafter, I got pregnant again. My water broke early. Too early. He was two pounds when he was born. He was 10 pounds when he died. I asked God 'Why'. I got no answer. I still haven't. I miss him. I miss him more than I could ever miss anyone or anything. My heart is forever broken.

I married my sons' father. This was my unhappily ever after. We came together in grief and consummated that with vows. He hated me. I don't know why. I guess he blamed me for our son leaving this Earth. He still does. If I could trade places, I would. I've prayed. I've begged. I've tried.

I got pregnant. I was so scared. She was beautiful and to term. I thought she was going to die because she had jaundice. How retarded I feel looking back on that now. I checked my oldest and now my youngest one hundred times a night to reassure myself they weren't going to stop breathing. They're still breathing.

The husband tried to suffocate me and threatened me with a knife to my throat. He went to jail. The marriage didn't work.

I met a man. He captured my heart. I moved 200 miles to give my heart to him and create a family with him. I love him. He left me for someone else. I cried for him. He came back. We ended up fighting all the time. I left him. He lied a lot. I got pregnant. I came back to him. I tried to make things work. We tried. I failed.

I still check my now, six year old, three year old and one year old one hundred times a night to make sure they're still breathing.

The End.