I close my eyes and take a breath and hope that this is real.
Its hard because of the distance that was, to tell how you really feel.
I have proven to you time again my love throughout the years.
I hope that you will keep your promise and have wiped away all of your fears.
I can’t help think that tomorrow, next week, or next month that you may change your mind.
And once again, I’ll be on that path of securing a life without you that was so hard to find.
Please believe in my love for you and hold it dear to your heart.
Wash away all the ill-feeling so that we may never part.
Forever is what I promised you when I took your hand.
Without you I am incomplete and together our life could be grand.
Allow our hearts to heal together and mend with love’s glue.
Because I miss you, the you – I knew.
Friday, November 6, 2009
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
What Was vs. What Is
"When you love someone, let them go. If they come back to you, they were always yours."
Q: HOW? How do you just let go?
A: Stop dwelling on what was. That is over. Start concentrating on what is. You cannot relive the past, you cannot change the past. You will fail everytime. For if you try, you will waste your present and ultimately your future.
What was:
- You used to come up behind me as I was washing the dishes, and just hold me... for no other reason than just to feel my warmth.
- I used to lay my head in your lap, both of us knowing I would eventually fall asleep before the movie had run its course.
- You used to look into my eyes when you told me you loved me... I could almost see right through you.
- I used to laugh as you turned your hat sideways and began to rap the most ridiculous lyrics to me while we were traveling from here to there.
- You used to wrap your right arm around me as my head lay on your chest, as if it almost belonged there.
- I used to get in the shower with you,
- You used to hold me until the water became warm.
- I used to have a sense of stability.
- You used to believe in me.
- I used to know that this would never happen.
- You used to care.
- I used to feel whole, complete.
- You used to make me feel that way.
What is:
- You no longer are in love with me. No longer is it me imagining it. This has become your truth, my truth, our truth.
- I no longer want to need you, no longer want to love you. Unfortunately, my heart doesn't always listen to what my head has to say.
- You gave up on me.
- I'm trying to give up on us.
Hope is not reality. Reality is the air we are breathing in at this very moment, while hope is the air we believe we will breathe in our next.
Love is not one-sided. Love is an entitety all its own and can only be created by two willing participants. All we have now is broken peices to a mirror that reflects who we used to be, what we used to have.
-- Thank you, Pamela for this inspiration.
Q: HOW? How do you just let go?
A: Stop dwelling on what was. That is over. Start concentrating on what is. You cannot relive the past, you cannot change the past. You will fail everytime. For if you try, you will waste your present and ultimately your future.
What was:
- You used to come up behind me as I was washing the dishes, and just hold me... for no other reason than just to feel my warmth.
- I used to lay my head in your lap, both of us knowing I would eventually fall asleep before the movie had run its course.
- You used to look into my eyes when you told me you loved me... I could almost see right through you.
- I used to laugh as you turned your hat sideways and began to rap the most ridiculous lyrics to me while we were traveling from here to there.
- You used to wrap your right arm around me as my head lay on your chest, as if it almost belonged there.
- I used to get in the shower with you,
- You used to hold me until the water became warm.
- I used to have a sense of stability.
- You used to believe in me.
- I used to know that this would never happen.
- You used to care.
- I used to feel whole, complete.
- You used to make me feel that way.
What is:
- You no longer are in love with me. No longer is it me imagining it. This has become your truth, my truth, our truth.
- I no longer want to need you, no longer want to love you. Unfortunately, my heart doesn't always listen to what my head has to say.
- You gave up on me.
- I'm trying to give up on us.
Hope is not reality. Reality is the air we are breathing in at this very moment, while hope is the air we believe we will breathe in our next.
Love is not one-sided. Love is an entitety all its own and can only be created by two willing participants. All we have now is broken peices to a mirror that reflects who we used to be, what we used to have.
-- Thank you, Pamela for this inspiration.
Monday, October 19, 2009
Fade Away
I have bled myself dry.
Every emotion you wanted, you got.
Every change you needed, you saw.
The frustration has ended. It has sunk in that I mean nothing to you anymore. I didn't want to believe that at first. I wanted to believe it was just lost somewhere within the confines of your battered heart.
I fought. I fought hard. I screamed, I cried, I begged, I pleaded, I changed, I grew, I apologized, I loved, I opened, I felt, I appreciated, I saw, I believed.
The chaotic never-ending thought process of unanswerable questions is finally coming to a hault. All hope is beginning to fade, the burning passion I have inside me for you has begun to extinguish.
Broken promises have now been replaced with reassurance, that no, you won't be coming home. Home to me. Home to our family. Home to the love, that apparently only I share.
I took a risk. Allowing myself to feel vulnerable, raw emotions. A risk that I do not regret, as I am proud to say I fought for what I loved; for what I love.
I told you everything that I could not tell you before. I shared with you the most inner lining of my soul, in hopes that it would be worth it in the end. And as the end draws near, was it worth it? Probably not. Do I regret it? No.
As the darkness of your lost love consumes me, in the distance there is only a faint sparkle left of the fantasy that you will rise above this and realize how precious my love is to you.
With everything that I am; with everything that I will become; with all of my heart... I love you. I promised I would spend the rest of my life just to make you happy, to ensure a constant smile and to never abandon you. I want nothing from you, but your love in return. And I promise, there will never be anyone else quite like me or who loves you as much as I always will.
I just simply, love you.
Every emotion you wanted, you got.
Every change you needed, you saw.
The frustration has ended. It has sunk in that I mean nothing to you anymore. I didn't want to believe that at first. I wanted to believe it was just lost somewhere within the confines of your battered heart.
I fought. I fought hard. I screamed, I cried, I begged, I pleaded, I changed, I grew, I apologized, I loved, I opened, I felt, I appreciated, I saw, I believed.
The chaotic never-ending thought process of unanswerable questions is finally coming to a hault. All hope is beginning to fade, the burning passion I have inside me for you has begun to extinguish.
Broken promises have now been replaced with reassurance, that no, you won't be coming home. Home to me. Home to our family. Home to the love, that apparently only I share.
I took a risk. Allowing myself to feel vulnerable, raw emotions. A risk that I do not regret, as I am proud to say I fought for what I loved; for what I love.
I told you everything that I could not tell you before. I shared with you the most inner lining of my soul, in hopes that it would be worth it in the end. And as the end draws near, was it worth it? Probably not. Do I regret it? No.
As the darkness of your lost love consumes me, in the distance there is only a faint sparkle left of the fantasy that you will rise above this and realize how precious my love is to you.
With everything that I am; with everything that I will become; with all of my heart... I love you. I promised I would spend the rest of my life just to make you happy, to ensure a constant smile and to never abandon you. I want nothing from you, but your love in return. And I promise, there will never be anyone else quite like me or who loves you as much as I always will.
I just simply, love you.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Exhaustion
Tired.
Tired of thinking.
Tired of feeling.
Tired of wanting.
Tired of needing.
Tired of loving.
Tired of rejection.
Tired of redundancy.
Tired of crying.
Tired of asking.
Tired of wondering.
Tired of blaming.
Tired of holding on.
Tired of believing.
Tired of thinking.
Tired of feeling.
Tired of wanting.
Tired of needing.
Tired of loving.
Tired of rejection.
Tired of redundancy.
Tired of crying.
Tired of asking.
Tired of wondering.
Tired of blaming.
Tired of holding on.
Tired of believing.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Remember Me
See the light radiate through me.
Allow yourself to bask in my warmth.
Open your heart to believe my truths.
And adopt my heart as your own.
Feel protected as my hand touches yours.
And know that you are not alone.
Remember the beginning.
Embrace those memories.
Release the past.
You have missed me.
I am here.
As raw and as real as the day you realized you loved me.
That is me.
Remember me.
As I was.
I am here.
Free yourself from your walls.
Remember us.
As we were.
It can be again.
Remember you.
As you were.
And you can love me again.
Allow yourself to bask in my warmth.
Open your heart to believe my truths.
And adopt my heart as your own.
Feel protected as my hand touches yours.
And know that you are not alone.
Remember the beginning.
Embrace those memories.
Release the past.
You have missed me.
I am here.
As raw and as real as the day you realized you loved me.
That is me.
Remember me.
As I was.
I am here.
Free yourself from your walls.
Remember us.
As we were.
It can be again.
Remember you.
As you were.
And you can love me again.
Friday, October 9, 2009
Self Analyzation
1.) The weight of the world does not have to be on my shoulders alone. I have a partner. I do not have the right to take control of all the obligations of the household and dictate orders.
2.) I am not entitled to make all of the decisions. Though there are some I may not like, it is my duty and responsibility to support the man that I love.
3.) Realizing that attempting to achieve perfection through material ideations is impossible. There is more to life than a clean bathroom. The end of the world will not come if there are undone dishes in the sink from last night's dinner. A chaotic laundry basket or an unmade bed is not a metaphor to my life or things to come.
4.) Love is not required. No one has to love me; they choose to love me. And if you are so lucky to find love, you should cherish every breath, every moment, every laugh, every hug, every tear.
5.) Punishment is unnecessary. Vindication did come when I was number one. What more did I need?
6.) Faith is important. Honesty is important. But how can one be expected to be honest when there is a constant fear of reaction and judgment?
7.) Arguing solves nothing. Being right isn't that important. In retrospect, where has being 'right' got me? Being right does not solve the issues or un-do what has been wronged. Being right only serves to feed my unncessary ego. I don't have to be right all the time. Looking back, it should have been more important to solve the problem than spend countless hours having a pissing contest and attempting to prove my case. A relationship is not a court of law. I am no judge, no jury and I am not God. Just because I think I am right does not mean that I am. Letting go is better than pushing away.
8.) What is my goal? The ultimate goal? Family. Love. Completeness. Happiness. Before acting on impluse, think. Is this action, or reaction, or these words going to contribute or hinder to my ultimate goal? More than likely, no.
9.) Giving credit. I am not the only one who can learn from my own mistakes. Infact, rarely do I. This is evident in my current life state. I have the ability to analyze everyone else and am so quick to point out their flaws. I should have worried more about fixing myself. I have to trust that he has learned from his mistakes and trust that he will not make them again. I know that he is intelligent. I should treat him as such. I do not have to punish him for something that has not happened to ensure that it won't.
10.) Being vulnerable does not mean I are going to be hurt. Enhancing his self-esteem does not mean I am feeding his ego. I don't think I ever compliment him. He's adorable. I should tell him that. I am not the only one who needs or likes to feel secure and loved. Just because he likes to touch me does not mean he is using me. Just because I don't like myself, does not mean he doesn't. I don't have to understand it. I do, however, have to appreciate it and accept it.
11.) Free-will. He is here because he wants to be. He will leave if he wants to leave. Smothering someone is not a guarantee they will stay. Holding him hostage does not mean he wants to be here. Everyone needs space. When he walks out the front door, he is not abandoning me. It is important to have time for yourself so you don't lose sight of who you are. I need to make time for myself and realize that he, as a human being, is entitled to do the same. I cannot continue to persecute him for my lack of social interaction. Just because I choose to stay home does not mean he has to. Love, family and relationships do not require you to be attached at the hip at all times.
12.) I do not know everything. I am far from parental perfection. He is a parent too. When I brought my children into his life I gave and shared the responsibility of parenting. He is entitled to make decisions. There does not always have to be a compromise. If a decision is made, I do not have the authority to override it because I am the 'mother'. If I was perfect and knew everything that would reflect in my children and my life. Obviously, it is quite the opposite.
13.) Emotional extortion and emotional blackmail is wrong. Everyone is entitled to make decisions based upon what is best for themselves. It is unfair and only makes for broken promises when you blackmail someone. You are asking to be lied to. I am a contradiction. Give respect, show respect by allowing decisions to be made based on their wants and needs and not your own. I despise people who use leverage. I am a hypocrite, and did not realize it until just now.
14.) I fell in love with him because of his differences, his mind. I love all of him; his goofy hats; his sense of style; his touch; his humor; the fact that he sings to me; his past. I need to allow him to teach me things. I need to embrace our differences. In this process, he has lost his sense of self because I have smothered him. I am not allowed to dictate the rhythm of his life.
15.) Appreciation. Along the same lines of respect, you have to give to get. It does not make me weak to admit that he is doing a great job and thank him for that. He works hard. He too has sacrificed for me. There is no pissing contest. One sacrifice is not bigger or smaller, more relevant or significant. He took risks too. Risking the relationship with his children to maintain relationship with me. Yes, he chose that. But he chose that, for me. He too has given up things he has loved to feed my own insecurities. Things that may seem trivial in nature to me, does not mean that they are viewed the same way to him. There is nothing wrong with thanking him for taking care of me, helping with the laundry, taking my son to and from school, sacrificing hours of sleep, time with family, friends and his children.
16.) My children feeling important is just as important as his children feeling important. They are just as precious as my own children and should be treated as such. It is not their fault that their mother will not allow a relationship between them and I beyond my front door. It is not their fault that Aiden is no longer here. While on the outside they are treated fairly when they are here, on the inside they are not. They deserve the same love I show to my own children. I do not have the right to stay guarded and allow them not to feel that connection. It is unfair for them to hurt so that I don't have to. I am the adult and I have to get over it. If I want him to be apart of me always, than I have chosen for his children to be a part of me as well. Just like I am a package deal, so is he. Just because his children are his heart does not mean I am not. He sacrifices so much for my own children, I should do the same for his. Just because I am forced to help out his children at the drop of a dime because of their mother's irresponsibility, does not mean it is their fault. Bitching, complaining and nagging the whole time does not show any support, is unneccesary and would feel the same to him as if I hadn't done anything at all. They are equally important no matter where they live. It is my responsibility to make them feel unconditional love and important. It is just as important for him to feel secure in my relationship with his children. I would die for my children and looking back, there should be no reason why I cannot sacrifice 4 hours and a weekend every other week. So what if its hard. They deserve to know their father and he deserves to know them. If I have the ability to make that happen, it is my responsibility to do so. This does not mean I love my own children any less. I do not have to be selfish for my children. Love is an endless cup, not one that has to to be divided. It is my responsibility to have a relationship with his children, and not minimize it just to babysitting.
17.) If I expect someone to keep a promise, I have to do the same. If I expect someone not to justify or excuse themselves, I should not think it is okay for me to do the same.
My marriage to my ex husband, failed miserably. He was older than me, alot older than me. I felt as though I had to be the 40 year old wife and submit myself to the household, cleaning, cooking and working. His opinion ruled. He knew everything. My voice was silenced and what I felt and thought meant nothing. I was miserable. I hated him for that. So I rebelled, drank and ultimately left.
Through this self analyzation I realized I had turned into him and now I was doing the very same thing to the man I call my soul mate. Making his life miserable and making him feel insignificant. Oh how I was so, entirely wrong.
This is me, giving up the control. The control was supposed to protect me. If I could keep everything in check, I could predict the next move and know when I was going to be subject to getting hurt. This has failed me and has completely turned my life upside down.
I analyzed myself and found the things I desperately need to change without passing judgment on what he should or needs to change within himself. That is his journey, his path to follow and find.
Now that I can see things more clearly, and put things into perspective, I can understand fully and ultimately change and become the happy fun-loving person he fell inlove with.
This is my goal. My quest.
2.) I am not entitled to make all of the decisions. Though there are some I may not like, it is my duty and responsibility to support the man that I love.
3.) Realizing that attempting to achieve perfection through material ideations is impossible. There is more to life than a clean bathroom. The end of the world will not come if there are undone dishes in the sink from last night's dinner. A chaotic laundry basket or an unmade bed is not a metaphor to my life or things to come.
4.) Love is not required. No one has to love me; they choose to love me. And if you are so lucky to find love, you should cherish every breath, every moment, every laugh, every hug, every tear.
5.) Punishment is unnecessary. Vindication did come when I was number one. What more did I need?
6.) Faith is important. Honesty is important. But how can one be expected to be honest when there is a constant fear of reaction and judgment?
7.) Arguing solves nothing. Being right isn't that important. In retrospect, where has being 'right' got me? Being right does not solve the issues or un-do what has been wronged. Being right only serves to feed my unncessary ego. I don't have to be right all the time. Looking back, it should have been more important to solve the problem than spend countless hours having a pissing contest and attempting to prove my case. A relationship is not a court of law. I am no judge, no jury and I am not God. Just because I think I am right does not mean that I am. Letting go is better than pushing away.
8.) What is my goal? The ultimate goal? Family. Love. Completeness. Happiness. Before acting on impluse, think. Is this action, or reaction, or these words going to contribute or hinder to my ultimate goal? More than likely, no.
9.) Giving credit. I am not the only one who can learn from my own mistakes. Infact, rarely do I. This is evident in my current life state. I have the ability to analyze everyone else and am so quick to point out their flaws. I should have worried more about fixing myself. I have to trust that he has learned from his mistakes and trust that he will not make them again. I know that he is intelligent. I should treat him as such. I do not have to punish him for something that has not happened to ensure that it won't.
10.) Being vulnerable does not mean I are going to be hurt. Enhancing his self-esteem does not mean I am feeding his ego. I don't think I ever compliment him. He's adorable. I should tell him that. I am not the only one who needs or likes to feel secure and loved. Just because he likes to touch me does not mean he is using me. Just because I don't like myself, does not mean he doesn't. I don't have to understand it. I do, however, have to appreciate it and accept it.
11.) Free-will. He is here because he wants to be. He will leave if he wants to leave. Smothering someone is not a guarantee they will stay. Holding him hostage does not mean he wants to be here. Everyone needs space. When he walks out the front door, he is not abandoning me. It is important to have time for yourself so you don't lose sight of who you are. I need to make time for myself and realize that he, as a human being, is entitled to do the same. I cannot continue to persecute him for my lack of social interaction. Just because I choose to stay home does not mean he has to. Love, family and relationships do not require you to be attached at the hip at all times.
12.) I do not know everything. I am far from parental perfection. He is a parent too. When I brought my children into his life I gave and shared the responsibility of parenting. He is entitled to make decisions. There does not always have to be a compromise. If a decision is made, I do not have the authority to override it because I am the 'mother'. If I was perfect and knew everything that would reflect in my children and my life. Obviously, it is quite the opposite.
13.) Emotional extortion and emotional blackmail is wrong. Everyone is entitled to make decisions based upon what is best for themselves. It is unfair and only makes for broken promises when you blackmail someone. You are asking to be lied to. I am a contradiction. Give respect, show respect by allowing decisions to be made based on their wants and needs and not your own. I despise people who use leverage. I am a hypocrite, and did not realize it until just now.
14.) I fell in love with him because of his differences, his mind. I love all of him; his goofy hats; his sense of style; his touch; his humor; the fact that he sings to me; his past. I need to allow him to teach me things. I need to embrace our differences. In this process, he has lost his sense of self because I have smothered him. I am not allowed to dictate the rhythm of his life.
15.) Appreciation. Along the same lines of respect, you have to give to get. It does not make me weak to admit that he is doing a great job and thank him for that. He works hard. He too has sacrificed for me. There is no pissing contest. One sacrifice is not bigger or smaller, more relevant or significant. He took risks too. Risking the relationship with his children to maintain relationship with me. Yes, he chose that. But he chose that, for me. He too has given up things he has loved to feed my own insecurities. Things that may seem trivial in nature to me, does not mean that they are viewed the same way to him. There is nothing wrong with thanking him for taking care of me, helping with the laundry, taking my son to and from school, sacrificing hours of sleep, time with family, friends and his children.
16.) My children feeling important is just as important as his children feeling important. They are just as precious as my own children and should be treated as such. It is not their fault that their mother will not allow a relationship between them and I beyond my front door. It is not their fault that Aiden is no longer here. While on the outside they are treated fairly when they are here, on the inside they are not. They deserve the same love I show to my own children. I do not have the right to stay guarded and allow them not to feel that connection. It is unfair for them to hurt so that I don't have to. I am the adult and I have to get over it. If I want him to be apart of me always, than I have chosen for his children to be a part of me as well. Just like I am a package deal, so is he. Just because his children are his heart does not mean I am not. He sacrifices so much for my own children, I should do the same for his. Just because I am forced to help out his children at the drop of a dime because of their mother's irresponsibility, does not mean it is their fault. Bitching, complaining and nagging the whole time does not show any support, is unneccesary and would feel the same to him as if I hadn't done anything at all. They are equally important no matter where they live. It is my responsibility to make them feel unconditional love and important. It is just as important for him to feel secure in my relationship with his children. I would die for my children and looking back, there should be no reason why I cannot sacrifice 4 hours and a weekend every other week. So what if its hard. They deserve to know their father and he deserves to know them. If I have the ability to make that happen, it is my responsibility to do so. This does not mean I love my own children any less. I do not have to be selfish for my children. Love is an endless cup, not one that has to to be divided. It is my responsibility to have a relationship with his children, and not minimize it just to babysitting.
17.) If I expect someone to keep a promise, I have to do the same. If I expect someone not to justify or excuse themselves, I should not think it is okay for me to do the same.
My marriage to my ex husband, failed miserably. He was older than me, alot older than me. I felt as though I had to be the 40 year old wife and submit myself to the household, cleaning, cooking and working. His opinion ruled. He knew everything. My voice was silenced and what I felt and thought meant nothing. I was miserable. I hated him for that. So I rebelled, drank and ultimately left.
Through this self analyzation I realized I had turned into him and now I was doing the very same thing to the man I call my soul mate. Making his life miserable and making him feel insignificant. Oh how I was so, entirely wrong.
This is me, giving up the control. The control was supposed to protect me. If I could keep everything in check, I could predict the next move and know when I was going to be subject to getting hurt. This has failed me and has completely turned my life upside down.
I analyzed myself and found the things I desperately need to change without passing judgment on what he should or needs to change within himself. That is his journey, his path to follow and find.
Now that I can see things more clearly, and put things into perspective, I can understand fully and ultimately change and become the happy fun-loving person he fell inlove with.
This is my goal. My quest.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Overcast with a Slight Chance of Rain
The dark cloud that looms overhead with a constant downpour of disappointment and heartbreak has become my story.
The love, success and happiness I so desire seems to slip through my finger tips.
Unable to grasp and hold on, I, again, find the rain pouring down.
As I look around at my friends, aquaintances and those who I knew in the past they all seem to be sucessful and/or happily married and/or living poolside baking in the sun.
I allow myself to pathetically sit on my pitty pot and wonder, what have I done to deserve such despair?
There have been moments of glee, where it seems the sun peeks through the grey sky just for a moment, but disappears just as swiftly as it came.
Back to square one.
I might as well live on square one. It seems I'm always trying to start over; start my relationship over; start my career over. Starting over with the same variables and ending with the same answer I have gotton ten thousand times before.
The longer the years drag on, the more the hope dissipates and the more vulnerable and desperate I become for my day to live poolside and bake in the sun.
The love, success and happiness I so desire seems to slip through my finger tips.
Unable to grasp and hold on, I, again, find the rain pouring down.
As I look around at my friends, aquaintances and those who I knew in the past they all seem to be sucessful and/or happily married and/or living poolside baking in the sun.
I allow myself to pathetically sit on my pitty pot and wonder, what have I done to deserve such despair?
There have been moments of glee, where it seems the sun peeks through the grey sky just for a moment, but disappears just as swiftly as it came.
Back to square one.
I might as well live on square one. It seems I'm always trying to start over; start my relationship over; start my career over. Starting over with the same variables and ending with the same answer I have gotton ten thousand times before.
The longer the years drag on, the more the hope dissipates and the more vulnerable and desperate I become for my day to live poolside and bake in the sun.
